I dislike touch
I don't want a handshake
I don't want to hold hands
I don't even want a hug
I dislike touch so much
Because I crave it so heavily
It's almost insane when you think about it
I want it so bad
But I know that
Once I get it
I won't want to lose it
I want to be held
So tight I break
And touched so gently I shatter
So I won't even tempt myself
I was told that addiction runs in the family
To stay away from drugs and alcohol
But when my temptation is human touch
Human love
How else do I stave off the addiction
But to not touch anyone
To not let anyone touch me
When I was younger
I looked up
How many hugs a day
A person needs to be happy
When I saw that
"Experts say four to twelve a day
The more the better"
I first felt sad
That I wasn't getting enough
But that soon turned to almost pride
How could I not be getting enough
If I was perfectly fine
Maybe everyone else
Is just weaker than me
I don't need a handshake
I don't need to hold hands
And I certainly don't need hugs
I constantly go though this cycle
I let people close to me
Then I push them away
My friends think it's because
I don't like them
My siblings think it's because
Our mother didn't love us enough
I think it's a test
Not a test of the other person
To see if they care
A test of me
To see if I can still do it
If I can survive
On being touch starved
My body aching with every movement
Every smile
Every time I see someone
Feel a warm embrace
And not have it destroy them completely
But when I touched him
When I let him touch me
It didn't feel like pushing away
Or giving in
It was me
I wanted to feel his gentle touch
His warm embrace
His passionate kiss
His everything
Even just the touch of his fingertips
On my side as we lie together
Send shivers I haven't felt in so long
As if nothing before his embrace mattered
And nothing after he lets go will
And I know that
Eventually
As all things must
It will end
But for now
At least
We can touch